Jeff Sessions Found High Having Heart-to-Heart with Lincoln Memorial

WASHINGTON, DC – Attorney General Jeff Sessions says he isn’t a “bad person” after he was discovered smoking pot at the Lincoln Memorial late Friday evening, but claims he had a conversation with the 16th President that was “mind-blowing.”

Sessions admitted that it was the first time he had consumed marijuana, adding that he “felt great” but was “hungry as a opossum during a Mobile summer.”

“Look, I know I’ve said some things, made some comments, that I now regret,” Sessions told reporters at the Justice Department. “President Lincoln, well, he sat with me on those stone steps, took a toke – I think that’s what it’s called – and helped me realize that it’s time to reconsider the status of cannabis in this country.”

While the White House admits it’s “unnerving” that Sessions believes he actually spoke to Honest Abe, Press Secretary Sean Spicer said it was about time Sessions “chilled out.”

“Jeff, he’s a guy with a lot of experience – he’s a grandpa and a baby simultaneously which, I know, is very tough to have no idea what is going on at all. It’s all still very strange and we are still trying to work through some of these issues that are killing the buzz of the entire White House staff and advisers and those that work in the highest levels of government,” Spicer said, adding that “it’s not like it’s illegal for an adult to possess marijuana” in the district.

Officer Reggie Walter, the Capitol Police officer who found the Attorney General, said he was “relieved” Sessions had a change of heart. “I was worried that I would actually have to start arresting people for weed again,” Walters said following Sessions’ press conference.

President Trump® chimed in with one of his trademarked Tweet-decrees:

When pressed about where he obtained his stash Sessions replied, “Not the National Institutes of Health, that’s for sure.”